Thursday, May 1, 2008

Why I don't blog.....

Oh I'm feeling frustrated. Everytime I start a blog, something bad happens within 2 weeks and I lose interest in blogging. Makes me question why I try to start one but this time I am going to try keeping up. I want to use it as a source to post some of my scrapbook pages and things. I just have to figure out how to do everything here first!

I'm fighting hard to not hit a deep depression again, I really don't want to get worse. I had to switch medications cause we couldn't afford the cost, and now I think I'm starting to notice. I feel more and more symptoms of depression and I need to fix that, I can't get that down again.

Then add in this week our respite provider for Joseph up and pulls the rug out from under us. While we've had some complaints we haven't said anything cause she's so good with Joseph. Now out of nowhere, she wants to quit. She's too stressed out, tired of working 2 jobs and has all these complaints. Well, frankly, any employer would have done the things we did so I don't have any sympathy in that regard. Some of her complaints have no merit and she's mad at us for it. Such as her telling us she can work a day or time when she doesn't want to, but she doesn't tell us that. So we think its okay to work and we ask her to work. Little did we know she was letting that build up a resentment. I don't understand. How can she be mad at us when she wasn't communicating? ... I am hoping to find a replacement quickly. I can't let this be in my house if it's going to create problems.

I would like to find a nonsmoker and perferrably a Christian. I am trying to reach people at Church so I can start a good search through there. With 10,000 members I'm hoping we could find someone. With my kids getting older and Joseph picking up on things more, I'd like a respite provider that has similar values.

It's just frightening when you lose your provider with no notice. I don't get out of the house except when she comes over. Greg and I don't get date nights unless she comes over. We haven't been able to find a babysiter that will watch both kids. Abby we can find care for but people are afraid of Joseph's needs. I am afraid of not being able to get out anymore. Greg gets out of the house all week for work. He has his men's groups at Church. Then I get so exhausted from being home and all the extra care I provide for Joseph, I get too tired to even go to the grocery store at night so I'll send Greg. So again, he can get out. It sounds small but that time out alone, is a lifeline. I'm very afraid of being without it.

I need to trust that God has a plan. He knows I've been increasingly more uncomfortable with the current situation. I had a deal with the provider that she'd give us plenty of notice and work till the end of her yearly contract, which is Oct., 31st. I'm not sure she is going to fulfill that agreement. I have to give this to God and let Him help us. I know He never gives us more than we can handle but boy am I tired of Him thinking I can handle all this!

It's time like this I really miss my Mom. She use to help with Joseph and she's missed out on watching her granddaughter growing up. I miss talking to her, going out with her. I miss our lunches we'd do. I miss having that support outside of my house. This thought is making me well up with tears...I've done that enough the last 2 days.

Off to clean the house more and wait for Greg to get home so I can run some errands. I have 2 very cute stamps on hold at a local Stamp shop that I want to pick up. I ordered 2 ballerina's to use for Abby's dance recital. I'm so happy they came in early!